


Oh, so you haven't heard?

by Eikaron



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Adam - Freeform, Aziraphale and Crowley Through The Ages (Good Omens), Cain - Freeform, EVE - Freeform, Gen, Humour, Post-Garden, Pre-Arrangement (Good Omens), abel - Freeform, everything is Crowley's fault, it's Crowley's fault, the first gossip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-03 05:20:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20259472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eikaron/pseuds/Eikaron
Summary: Just a little conversational meeting between Aziraphale, former Guardian of the Eastern Gate now Bored-half-to-death Guardian of the Humans and Crowley, Gossip Snake Extraordinare.





	Oh, so you haven't heard?

"Oh. It's you", said the angel, whose name was still Aziraphale.

He was trying to sound disinterested, but the truth was that he had been dreadfully bored1 for some time now and was welcoming the distraction.

"Yep", said the snake, who was going by the name of Crowley now. "So, what's up?"

"Not much, actually", admitted Aziraphale, the barest hint of exasperation daring to creep into his voice. "They've been arguing all day."

"Oh yeah? What about?"

The angel sat down on the ground with crossed legs, using his wings to shield him from the sun.

"Crops, as far as I can tell", he said listlessly, "Some of them spoiled and now they are blaming each other." 

Crowley surreptitiously slithered closer until he, too, was in the shade of Aziraphale's wing. The angel didn't blame him. It was scorching.

The demon cocked his head and frowned at the arguing humans.

"Weren't they already doing that last time I was here?", he asked.

"Uh huh."

"I see."

Silence fell. They watched impassively as one young male human hit another young male human over the back of his head in the manner of older brothers everywhere and yelled something they didn't quite catch, which was probably for the better.

"What have _you _been up to lately?", asked Aziraphale after a few awkward seconds, intent on not letting the conversation die but sensing that active participation was probably required. 

"Oh, this and that", said Crowley, vaguely swinging his tail around, "You know me. Wiles and temptations."

This greatly bewildered Aziraphale. 

"What do you mean 'wiles and temptations? Of whom? It can't have been any of them" – the angel nodded towards the humans squabbling in the middle distance – "I would have noticed."

"Ah, so you haven't heard yet", said Crowley with the superior air of someone who has Great Big News and is dying to share them, but won't actually do so until you appeal to their ego by either begging them to let you in on it or feigning polite disinterest for long enough that they'll tell you anyway because they can't stand to keep the Great Big News to themselves any longer. 

"Heard what?", asked Aziraphale, trying to feign polite disinterest.

He was mostly failing, but Crowley told him anyway because he had been dying to all afternoon.

The serpent lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

"There are", he hissed dramatically, "_other _humans."

The demon looked at Aziraphale expectantly, who performed marvelously by immediately bursting out a disbelieving "What?! Where?" and looking around.

Crowley was pleased. He tilted his head in the direction he had come from.

"That way", the told Aziraphale, " 'bout a day's worth of slithering from here."

"Er. How much is that in walking? Or flying"

Crowley tried to shrug, which is not an easy feat for a serpent.

"I don't know. But probably less", he said uncertainly.

"Could you could take me there?", Aziraphale asked excitedly and stood up.

"Suppose I could", replied Crowley slowly. "Suppose I could. But are you even allowed to? I thought you had to keep an eye on these guys?"

He jerked his head at the two men currently engaged in a shouting match.

Aziraphale visibly deflated. He sat down again.

"I suppose you are right", he said, unable to hide his disappointment. "I was ordered to stay here and watch over them, and so I will."

"Un_less_…", drawled Crowley; watching the angel's crestfallen expression turn into one showing a sliver of hope with smug satisfaction.

"Unless what?"

"Well, what was the exact directive that you got?", asked Crowley slyly. "Was it 'watch _these _humans, specifically, and only _these _humans until we tell you otherwise'? Or was it a more general 'watch the humans'. Because", he went on, "if it was the latter than I think you might have a case. A duty even, come to think of it."

Aziraphale made a humming sound and mulled this over in his head. After some deliberation he came to the conclusion that the demon had a point.

"They told me to keep watch over the humans. They didn't say which ones."

"Suppose they meant all of them", said Crowley, "and just forgot to tell you. That there are others, I mean. You know how it is. Everyone thinks it's someone else's job."

The angel contemplated the bickering humans. Their argument didn't seem very different from all their previous ones. And supposing the other humans needed help, he thought, then he ought to go and be of assistance to them. Cain and Abel were constantly at odds after all, and there was not much Aziraphale could do about it except try to mediate (something he had long given up); so perhaps he could be more useful elsewhere. 

"I do think it's my duty to care for all humans", he said and got up, brushing the dirt from his white toga. "Especially if you have been with them unsupervised until now! Take me there."

"Follow me, then", said Crowley with a serpentine grin 2 , turned around and slithered under a thorny shrubbery.

The quick departure taking him by surprise, Aziraphale hastily stumbled after him.

"Wait up", he called, after he had made his way through the coppice. "Look, can't you turn into something with wings? Or legs, at least, so I can see you better."

"Shape-locked", said Crowley glumly. "They figured this body was all I needed. I put in a request for a new one months ago, but you know. Bureaucracy. It's Hell. Literally."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that", said Aziraphale politely. "That must be quite impractical for you, not having any hands or feet."

"Tell me about it."

####

"What if I carry you?", asked Aziraphale, after he had fought his way through yet another hostile plant. 3

"Are you mad? I can't let you _carry _me!" 

"Why not?"

"Er. You're still technically my enemy. How do I know you won't try to smite me?"

Crowley tried to squint at him but failed on account of lacking proper eyelids.

"I have never tried to smite you before", said Aziraphale, a tad miffed at being preemptively accused like this. "And who says you aren't going to bite me? Or attempt to strangle me", he added. 

"Touché", admitted Crowley. "Okay then."

The demon approached Aziraphale carefully.  
  
"Would be mightily stupid of me anyway, trying something like that while we're up in the air. I'd drop down with you and we'd both die – er, inconveniently discorporate", he said thoughtfully.

"True", said Aziraphale, knelt down and scooped Crowley up in his hands. "Er. Should I just hold you like this?"

"It would probably be easier if I could hang from your shoulders", said Crowley. "Just put me around your neck."

Aziraphale did as he was told and Crowley wrapped himself securely around his neck. The angel had never worn a scarf before but if he had, he would have known that this was nothing like it. For starters, scarves didn't squirm nervously. Nor did they flick their forked tongues into your ear by accident.

"Sssorry", hissed Crowley.

"No harm done. Now hold on", said Aziraphale. He put his hands on Crowley's, for lack of a better word, neck and tail, to keep him from sliding off and spread his wings.

Crowley tightened his single coil around Aziraphale, although not so much it was uncomfortable to the angel. 

"Whoo-ooo!", he exclaimed as Aziraphale pushed himself off the ground and catapulted them high into the air.

"Which way?", asked the angel, hovering somewhat awkwardly just above the treetops.

"Er. Give me a moment", said Crowley and lifted his head to get a better view. "It all looks rather different from up here. 

Crowley was not entirely sure which way to go but was fairly certain that the dark grey mountain visible in the distance was a good bet. It had been in his back the whole time he had slithered back to the first humans and from above the others would probably be easy to spot, he thought.

"That way", he said, and pointed his tail in the approximate direction.

Aziraphale took one last look back at the four humans under his care. 

The two brothers had apparently calmed down and resolved their argument at least temporarily and Cain was now peacefully preparing a basket full of fruit – presumably another offering for the Lord – with the help of his mother Eve, while Adam and Abel had gone to tend to their flock.

The angel smiled to himself, turned to his eyes away and took off towards the mountain; the strong steady beat of his wings a reassuring sound.

Surely they would be fine on their own for a day or two.

* * *

1 This in itself was a small marvel. Earth was so big, so full of plants and animals and strange phenomena; rich with new experiences to have every day. Yet – and this had distressed Aziraphale more than he cared to admit – no matter how exciting any of it was: Eventually the novelty would wear off. And being assigned to stay by the humans' side meant that he had by now gotten used to (and occasionally fed up with) by and large everything happening around him.

2 Not that he had any other.

3 Crowley had pointed out to him that he could simply miracle any obstacle to be elsewhere, but Aziraphale was hesitant to make unapproved changes to the local scenery. ('Look, all I'm saying is that this has surely been a lot of work for Him and I can't just start moving things around for my own convenience!' 'Suit yourself', Crowley had said, and slithered under another bramble.)

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler: They were not fine.


End file.
